I filled out a questionnaire today.

I watched a video for one of those fitness plans that claims it has it all, right?

It started with a quiz, and then there was a video with answers to all of my problems. It prompted to sell me a million and twelve products like they all do at a significantly discounted price and sure, I considered it and thought it might help.

Maybe it will.
But this isn’t my first rodeo.

I’ve participated in fitness programs, diets and fads almost my entire life. I’ve purchased the packages from beach body and slim n six and all the others that claim they’ll help me get the body of my dreams.

What I didn’t expect?
I didn’t expect to be on the verge of tears trying to figure out what my favorite meals were or because I was trying to define my why for considering the program.

Listen, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m depressed and overweight.

But when I read the questionnaire and tried to fill in those answers I realized that I’ve been “eating healthy” so much that I don’t know what I consider my favorite meal. I realized that I don’t even eat enough in a day. The suggested calories alone in the video were far higher than what I consume in a day, or even two. Food doesn’t make me happy. It doesn’t give me an emotion that I can remember a meal and be like “omg, that was the best thing I ever put in my mouth.”

When I tell you I typed out the following phrases multiple times, only to erase them because they sound so dumb…

– People enjoy food?
– What’s your favorite meal? Add it in, I’ll try it.
– I’m sitting here trying to remember what foods I have eaten and enjoyed.
– How do I tell you that I have only eaten chicken, brown rice and mixed veggies for the last 4 months, with a hint of fast food here and there? Or that if I want to spice it up, I add black beans…
– Is it sad that I can only tell you about the new meals I have tried because I signed up for a sponsorship for a friend with Hello Fresh and that’s the most exciting meal idea that I can come up with?
– How do I tell you that even fast food joints don’t have what I want food-wise.
– As I’m sitting here, I’m trying to think of something, anything that resembles a “non-healthy” meal that you could use to encourage me with this “diet plan” of yours.
– Food is a chore so therefore, I don’t have a favorite I can tell you about…
– Does fruit count?

I think the questionnaire sat open for 30 minutes. Maybe longer.
I don’t know what I enjoy.

And not just with food.

I am but a shell.
I go through the same motions, every day.
I tell you I’m good, or I’m fine, with a genuine smile, but I’m hiding the fact that I am numb. So numb, I can’t even tell you my favorite food.

I put that I love fruit, by the way. That was as thorough as I could get for the questionnaire because I immediately drew a blank and I lowkey have no idea what foods I love.

The real question is when did I become like this?

Was it after 75Hard, when I followed a program to the T and lost 45 pounds only to gain 50 pounds back over 2 months?

Or was it when I committed my every waking moment to helping others and doing everything I could for them, only to put myself on the backburner once again?

Maybe it was when I realized that I fight a losing battle with weight, every day. Or the fact that people only judge me for my size when I have so much more to offer.

Perhaps it was when I was 11 and thought I needed to eat a certain way and exercise every single day to be this skinnier version of myself so that people would love me when in reality, I wasn’t fat at all. But my 11 year old mind was so consumed with my ex step dad leaving me because I was a hormonoal teenager and he was “in love” with his girlfiend. She only wanted his “true” biological kids as her family, though. Not me, the one he’d raised from birth.

If I could go back to my younger self, I would tell her that food isn’t an enemy. That life is fucked up and short, and it isn’t about her outward looks. That even though 80% of the people in her life have left her up until now, there are still people in this world that love her and don’t care what she looks like. They just want her happy. I would tell her that it’s okay to laugh out loud, even if people judge her for how she laughs. And that it’s okay to speak her mind, especially about food and exercising. I’d tell her she doesn’t have to be afraid of everyone and what they think. That she doesn’t have to please these people. They can stay, or they can leave, but that doesn’t define her.

The people that stay, they are the ones that want her to enjoy life. They want what’s best for her and support her in her dreams and goals.

Even if it’s something small like remembering her favorite meal.

Moral of my story, y’all…
Fuck society.

Embrace who you are.
Know your favorite fucking meal.

Because life is too god damn short to not know what meal you’d eat every day if you could.

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The Start of a New Year



It is January 28!

We are well on our way to the rest of the year, folks. Three weeks have passed and the new year’s resolutions for most have died off or disappeared. What have the last few weeks held in store for you? How has your year treated you so far? Are you sticking with your new year’s resolutions? Have you accomplished any goals?

My year has proved busy, successful and well, unexpected. I’ve…

Worked quite a bit,
Gone to the stock show,
Drank approximately 32 ounces of water every day (or more),
Attended a mammoth game,
Had a few beers,
Encouraged a few writer friends to pursue their dreams and keep going,
Helped organize and clean an office,
Tried a new restaurant,
Started taking an online marketing course,
Actively participated in watching football,
Mourned Alan Rickman’s death,
Drank some wine,
Played some Sims 3 and Sims 4,
Started cooking at home more,
Started packing better lunches for work,
Posted more social media content,
Took more pictures,
And drew a panda (featured image), just to list a few.

All in all? It’s not a bad start. Drinking water, for me, was a big one. I was lucky if I managed to drink 8 ounces all day. Now I’m finishing off at least 32 ounces, or more, within the day before five o’clock.

And football?
Oh man, football. I’m not a huge fan. Never really have been, but I made a point to try and attempt to pay attention, know the scores and be enthusiastic when the right team scored.

I didn’t set any specific new year resolutions, necessarily. Why? Partly, I was lazy in planning and didn’t know what I wanted to fix. I’m a mess in so many areas and when looking in the mirror, I couldn’t figure out where to start.

With that in mind, it seemed hopeless. I felt like I should have some sort of epic, award-winning moment in my life that would spill all of the knowledge I needed as soon as the clock struck midnight.

Do you know what really happened? I watched the ball drop and then glanced around the faces on the television to see their reactions. Most were laughing and having a blast. Then my gaze focused on Demi Lovato’s expression on the screen.

Her smile turned upside down, but only in the corners of her mouth. Her eyes lost the glimmer for a few small seconds. I watched her look around and she seemed unhappy, envious of those around her. For a moment, I knew that we were in the same boat. We were disappointed. The confetti fell from the sky and people were everywhere but there were no award-winning moments, no grandiose light shows nor words of wisdom.

Now, I don’t know her personally. I’ve never met her or had the pleasure of conversing with her. But I know what unhappy looks like. I felt like I could relate with the “so… this is it” expression. It was as if she didn’t want to enjoy the moment she was in, though everyone else around her was. I could relate. It was as if we both realized one thing…

It was just another year, another time, another midnight.

Every year, we get older. Every year, we watch the time fade and we wonder what happened. I didn’t want to feel like that anymore and personally decided to make this year one find and enjoy the things that I love. I want to learn more about me and do what I want to do. I hope beyond all hope that I am wrong about Demi and that maybe she really wasn’t feeling well. Or maybe she naturally smiles like that. I will never know for certain.

What I do know?
Life is far too short to not enjoy what we’re doing with it.

You only get one life, one moment to take that chance, one shot to make your life what you want it to be.

What will your face look like next year, when you watch the ball drop for another year? Will you regret what you’ve done? Or will your entire body be filled with elation that everyone around you can’t help but smile with you? Are you doing what makes you happy? Something you’re passionate about?

If not, what are you waiting for?

Don’t wait for everyone else. If you do, you’ll be standing in a crowded room on New Year’s Eve wondering what your life means. You run the risk of being unhappy or disappointed with the “new year.”

Embrace this life.

Embrace you.

Until next time, my darlings…

– Shay <3